"My therapist once instructed me to look at myself eye to eye in the mirror, and list all the positive things about myself in order to rewire all the negative that our brains focus on. So, I decided to give it a whirl. I looked at myself and told myself: “You are smart. You are handsome. You are likable. You are okay being single.” After telling myself all these things, I realized that I felt nothing, because I didn’t believe any of it. 

Growing up, I was always different. I had surgery on my ears as requested by my mom, so others would not bully me throughout my schooling years. That did not stop others from picking on my “buck teeth” (that were eventually eliminated by the glory of braces) or my skinniness, in which others always perceived me as weak, therefore, an easy target for whatever egotistical, power-driven human being wanted to pick on me. I guess you can say that ever since a young age, my self-esteem has been compromised. In exchange for my deemed “abnormal” physical characteristics, I developed a strong and unique personality. One that to this day is goofy, clumsy, intelligent, ambitious … but then again, this is my subjective opinion of myself. I have kept this side of me, because I realized that changing my fundamental self would be to completely rewire my brain into someone that I know that I am not. But my true self is still subjugated to other people’s perceptions, and this is on my mind more often now than ever.

I genuinely like to think that I do not care what others think of me, but more realistically, I’d say that thought varies depending on context. On one hand, I could be partying with my friends, living in the NOW, and everything around me is background noise. I socialize with others, do things that make me happy, and enjoy every moment I am in. On the other hand, when I am feeling lonely or surfing through the infamous dating apps such as Tinder or Grindr, I feel invisible rather than carefree.

We are social creatures, and me more than some, so yes, I do crave what I have yet to have: a romantic relationship. You heard that right, for almost 21 years now, I have been single. As many would probably say along with some pitiful eyes, “you are still young.” Yes, thank you, I realize that, but time is relative and I like to live in the now, and in this now, I want to be loved romantically. Ever since starting university, I have been hurt, rejected, subjected, and friend-zoned more times than probably any other person. Every time this occurs, I immediately think to myself over and over on a continuous loop: “I am NOT good enough.” This sounds painless, but with my already established low self-esteem, this brings it underground. There are days where I feel like a dark cloud follows me around on a sunny day, waiting for me to start crying so that that cloud can begin to rain. I keep the pain I feel inside though, and it brings along a tightness to my chest and throat that is only released when I cry. There are days, where I look around and see an attractive man, and instead of thinking “wow, I can get someone like him,” my self-esteem says, “wow, he’s out of my league.” Thank you self-esteem. 

So, after being hurt and disappointed so many times, I resort to the temporary self-esteem fix: The Hookups. Do I regret any of them? No. Because everything I do makes me who I am today, and teaches me for the future. Losing your virginity though, to a Grindr hookup from someone kind of older than you, though, is not the ideal “How I Lost My Virginity” storyline I may have wanted. And even if these people may find me attractive, it still feels like a meaningless, hormone driven temporary fix. After all these hook-ups, I felt no different to how people see me. 

I went on legit dates as well with people, but was always left disappointed. In this process, I developed a wall that protects my expectations, and protects me from getting hurt in any way shape or form. I am never shy or nervous on dates, but I am on edge about what the person is seeing in me, and whether they will take a shot at my self-esteem or not, just from lack of interest. My recent solution in the past couple weeks has been to delete ALL dating apps, in order to just seriously focus on myself, as well as preventing myself from getting hurt all over again. Everyone tells me that you meet people in real-life and not through these apps. The sad reality is though, is that our superficial society is starting to solely rely on these apps for romantic/hookup support. When ever happened to good ol’ letter writing? People also told me, that I must learn to love myself before I can ever love someone else. My counter-argument, that may be faulty, is that once I find someone to love, it’ll restore my self-esteem, therefore restoring my self-love. This is simply a hypothesis though, built on assumptions that deep down I know are false. 

I am sure all this is making me sound like a depressed sac of potatoes around the clock, but that is truly not the case. I still wake up with a smile, have fun with family and friends, and try to see the positive in myself. I go to the gym, with the main purpose of boosting up my self-esteem, and the physical aesthetic is simply a glorious bonus. I still make new friends at school and at work, who I know love me for who I am, and quite frankly, that should be all that matters. I know that life is not like the movies, but one aspect that I’d like to believe from them cheesy rom-coms, is that everyone one day finds that person to romantically love, whether it lasts or not. I should not let my thoughts about what others think of me hinder how I live my life. There is way more positive than negative in my life, so I should let the positive take center stage in my mind rather than the other way around. Self-esteem is ladder, and I just have to slowly but surely make my way up. Once I am at an optimum level where I do not care about what others think of me regardless of the context, then I think I will be ready to jump back into the dating game. To be honest, I am not there yet, but I will not give up. One thing I realized is that now when people ask me “Why are you still single?”, I respond with a resounding: “No rush, it will happen someday.” I guess looking at myself in the mirror and saying all the good I know is in me does pay off in some ways."