i've been trying i swear

I’m trying to be better you know. I’m perfecting everything, I am, I swear. It’s taking some time, but promise me you’ll come back longer if I’m better. If I don’t break, will you see something in me worth enough to stay? I’ve been carrying rulers everywhere I go, always measuring myself up against all the things you wished I could have been. I’m fumbling with chopsticks to get some of these eggs out of your basket, I will learn how to be a bit more of me without as much of you. I’m heavy in my resolve, I’ll rid these fantasies and turn them into nightmares if that’s what it takes. But I’m getting older by the minute, and these fingers aren’t long enough or strong enough or nimble enough. Eggshells are cracking as we speak. In my destitution, I convinced myself to forget, I can’t quite string together the words, I’ve been crashing neurons in an attempt to remember. The beginning of the end trembled to a close in blackout memories. But tell me, please tell me, did you promise to return if I got better, because I’m frightened it was just my delusions, hovering over my ears, ringing distortion. Let me know, oh let me know, am I perfect yet?